To stay with Rachel until her exams,

I killed old Bert, the school cleaning man.

I took his clothes, his job and his pay

To spy on her for most of the day.

Around the time that I got caught,

She got straight 'A's in her final report.

While she went to uni to study law.

I went to prison, for a stretch of four.

And while the big men took turns at me (OWW!)

She was wild and happy and free.


I must marry Rachel, It's all I desire;

Where once was a spark now rages a fire.

I must marry Rachel, it's all I can do;

But she'd rather marry a bucket of spew!

You see I can't marry Rachel, she won't give her word,

'Cos she and her family think I'm a turd.


After two bad tries, I got out in three

And went to hunt for my lover to be.

I found her shacked up with a young man

Who sold harpoons to ships in Japan.

I told Rachel of the goal of my life

And threatened to kill myself with my knife.

She said, 'go ahead, I don't give a damn!

'I'll never take a freak for a man.'

So I lost my cool and cut off her head.

And finally took her gently to bed.


Now I have married Rachel, it's so ridgy-didge.

I sleep on her futon. She sleeps in the 'fridge.

I have married Rachel, it's really O.K.

Her dead friend says less every day.

So if you've got a Rachel who's breaking your heart

Kill her now and make a new start.


End.