Rachel was the subject of my first crush. Though our paths crossed repeatedly for two decades, I never found the courage to tell her how much I admired her. While I have certainly never had any desire to harm her, the song is a warning to be ever vigilant and to resist letting emotion overcome rational thought.

I Must Marry Rachel

I first saw Rachel when I was just four;

The play group froze as she stood in the door.

Her black hair blazed as the sun hit it right.

And her green eyes shone like a serpent's at night

Her flawless skin was smoother than silk,

So I wandered over and offered my milk

And said, 'I'll let you play with my blocks',

But she just snorted,

And shook her dark locks.

I swore right then, on my teddy bear's life

That I would pursue her, and make her my wife.


I must marry Rachel, It's all I desire;

Where once was a spark now rages a fire.

I must marry Rachel, it's all I can do;

But she'd rather marry a bucket of spew!

You see I can't marry Rachel, she won't give her word,

'Cos she and her family think I'm a turd.


I got my mum and dad to agree

That Rachel's school was the best one for me.

I went each day with hours to spare,

Just to sniff her favourite chair.

For ten whole years in every class,

I sat and gazed at her wonderful arse.

'Til all the shonky marks that I pulled

Got me thrown right out of the school.

In fear and longing I begged for her hand

But she just gave me the One Finger Plan.

To be continued...