I did a quick change into Santa. I don't think anyone realised it was me. Kris Kringle was a giveaway, but at least I got what I wanted. I even won the door prize. Though the surprise guest wasn’t really a surprise, it was the most accurate singing telegram I’d ever heard.

The dessert wafers were so small, the waiter put two of them straight onto my tongue. I left the party about an hour later so as not to cramp my style. Once I was gone, I really cut loose.
When the karaoke started, I was the only one to get up. Some people just don’t know how to let themselves go. Then I did a skit taking the piss out of the boss. No one laughed - out of respect I suppose. At last the DJ played ‘Time Warp’, ‘Bus stop’, ‘Madison’ and ‘Nutbush City Limits’. For once, everyone danced in time.

The DJ left at midnight so I fired up the jukebox. Someone chose the same song seven times. I’m quite partial to the Nolan Sisters, but I felt for those who weren’t. I tried a conga line out to the street, but it didn't catch on, so I grabbed the company video camera. I couldn't find anyone to film except the koala in the bathroom, who also happened to be filming.

Much later, when I was really drunk, I slipped into the broom cupboard and felt myself up. That got me so frisky, I did something I'd always wanted to but am a little ashamed to admit. I had sex on my own desk.

Early in the morning, after the hired help had gone, I went outside for a ciggie. No one would let me back in and I had to smash a window. The cops came; then the fire brigade. Some fool had butted out on my tree fern.

At least there were no gate crashers.

After

Though I always front for work no matter how much I’ve drunk, I almost couldn’t face myself next morning. As expected, no one offered to help clean up. My office was a disgrace. If I don’t get sued for harassment, I’ll at least get a good talking to.

I changed the password on my computer, just in case I’d let it slip. Someone had photocopied his genitals, which were really too small to have warranted the effort. Worse, some pervert had called a sex line and left the phone off the hook. Nor will I rest until I find out who pissed in the bath. The only bright moment in my day was when a thank-you bunch of flowers arrived.

You put these parties on and people make a mockery of them. Next year someone else can organise the damn thing. Come to think of it, I might even take myself off the guest list.

The End.